Been a Long Time…
I was going to write a very emo intro including the lead lyric from Aaliyah’s song “Try Again”…”Been a long time, I shouldn’ta left you without a dope beat to step to…”
It was going to be something wonderful about how my trusty journal is my dying salvation in a world of crazy but I stopped myself, thinking that Aaliyah wouldn’t appreciate the defilement.
Still, it resonates…”If at first you don’t succeed…You can dust yourself off and try again..” Those words have never been truer than in the past few months where sweeping changes have entered my orbit and slapped the face of the happy and oblivious child hanging haphazardly from the chipped paint railing of life’s merry go round.
I stepped away from my journal, my art, my writing, myself over the last several months like a dope fiend chasing their next high. Only mine are often made of chaotic lists and things that Must Be Done Now! Hours cram-packed with obligations, filling the needs of people, etc. I pulled the shade on feeling anything so that I could feel nothing (with VIGOR!) for the last 6 months. It was safe and the perfect battery for a zombie-like trance lasting from January until now.
I’ve been happy, joyful even, the entire time without many of those numb moments of nothing. I’m still connected and engaged to most everything but the part of me that craved creativity was left to die in a carrot field.
So my body crashed. Hard. WITH VIGOR! I got the “WHOOP! WHOOP!” of the wake-up call loud and clear and have to heed the warning of Helga, the charge nurse when she says, “The chaos? You vil do eet no more!”
Slow. Slowly. Slower still. It has slowed to a crawl and finally a stop and here I am with Aaliyah telling me to “dust myself off and try again”.
I will, Aaliyah, only this time I will keep safe the woman who knows how to drive the speed limit.